The Dream

Call My Name

2011-12-17T20:20:00.002+08:00

Up till now, I had arguments with this particular colleague of mine. When I first came for work, he praised me to the heavens and I could not help feel that he has feelings for me. I am not jumping to conclusions or being thick skin. Then as the days gone by, he despised me, he kept badmouthing me and kept putting me down.

The most encouraging person in the workplace can turn to be the one who puts you down the most. I don't understand.

There was once he called me with another's person name and another colleague helped me correct him but then "So what? What you gonna do? Huh?" came the answer. Can you believe the words that came out from his mouth? He sees me as a pampered missy that cannot accomplish what is required of me. If I can't fufill or am scared that I could not do anything for this job, I would not be applying for this job of mine. I've weighed the pros and cons, followed by my interests and other many factors before applying so why the hell is this boy saying that I am not fit to work here?

Yesterday, I went to work and had supper with the shop's manager and another colleague after we closed the shop. Then we started complaining about that boy. The manager then told us bits of his past and his current life. I was thinking" Maybe that's probably why he treated me coldly". Felt sorry for him but... Argh. Nevermind. Can't expect too much of people to change. Perhaps I am at fault too... Haiz..

Getting Fired

2011-11-26T11:41:00.002+08:00

if I am not mistaken, my fear will be realised soon... I am getting the sack from Anne. Thinking back, I can feel that she is not happy with my working performance. I did not work for two whole days already. Can see that I am not needed.

If that's the case, I'll leave without a word. If that's what Anne wants, so be it. Anyway, she has more than enough help. Moreover, more hands spoil the broth and I don't wish to see that. Anyway, there are better people than me out there so I guess she can find a better one in no time. After all, it's the year end holiday. If I say that I don't mind about her giving me the sack, I am lying. Yes, I would resent but then, what can I do? I am the one who is not good enough. If I resent any other people, I would overlook my flaws. I cannot be blinded by my anger. Or perhaps I am angry because I myself is not good enough, angry because I am useless.

Dad

2011-11-24T23:13:00.002+08:00

Dad

"Ding Dong" goes the doorbell

A man carrying numerous bags entered the house

He would sit down on the black chair

and untie his shoe lace

That weary look on his face

That heavy steps he made

Still, a girl who lives with him would not even glance at him

Her heart wrenched with her own behaviour

however, she must keep up with it

keep up with this coldness

maintain this coldness

if not

another Cold War unfolds.

Working at Subway

2011-11-24T08:56:00.002+08:00

" Some people come into our lives,

Leave footprints on our hearts

and we are never the same."

Made friends when I was working and the times when I worked become my happiest periods. ^^ They've taught me how should tasks be carried out, like how to refill sauces, wash and dry trays, put veggies, clean the working surface and talk to the customers. Of course there were instances whereby I was scolded but that did not put me down for long.

I put the wrong sauce in a customer's sandwich, I got the sauce onto the sandwich paper, I accidentally tore the sandwich paper, I got the veggies spilled out of the sandwich when I cut the footlong sandwich, I almost scalded my manager's head when I opened the toaster and I mistook ketchup for bbq sauce when refilling. Oops... Hehe...

Yesterday, I got to make my sandwich from scratch. I cut my honey oat (incorrectly), scooped two scoops of tuna (damn salty), toasted it and added lettuce and ate it without any sauce. Then it could be eaten. First bite was "I think I am suffering from hypertension already" x.X

Now, I am having a day off here and I wished that I can work today cos I have nothing to do. Haiz....

Give and Take

2011-11-19T12:11:00.002+08:00

Recently, I got a job at Subway. Yay me~ This means that I would have income ($_$) 8D I am so happy! I won't have to ask my parents for moolah this few coming months. I would save a portion of it and spend the rest. I hope that I will always have something to do when I work. I fear whenever I have nothing to do when others are busy. It would feel as if that I am not needed or I am simply just useless. When proven useless, you are out already. Society does not need useless people but then... how would one define useless? o.O Different people have different definition though so its quite hard to say. Or at least one should not just laze his days away, I think. Haiz.. So many blurry boundaries...

Watched an anime titled "Pretear" and its so moving... Sniff sniff* It only has 13 episodes so it only took me two days to finish and plus I don't have to study anymore till next year. Awesome~ In real life, one does not give a hoot to whether the other has made a sacrifice for them or not. They don't appreciate it at all, they don't realise it at all. If one sacrificed too much and got nothing in return or even worse, not even receive recognition, they would start to resent. On the surface, they seem to only give and not want any returns but they do want returns. But the returns that they want would be appreciation and recognition, not materialistic things. If they do not have these, they would accumulate negative feelings and hurt themselves.

Argh. I don't know if I can express these feelings or not through blogging but then if anyone is reading this, please please don't even try to interpret. You might get the wrong idea.

Something that I don't want to give up

2011-10-25T14:13:00.003+08:00

"It's hard to wait around for

Something you know might never happen,

But it's even harder to give up,

When it's everything you want."

Hihi! It's been awhile since I posted. Basically its the 'O' levels now and there isn't much to say cos everyday, it's all about doing papers, doing revisions and consulting teachers. Oh ya, there is something that I want to say.

I know that it's uncomfortable but, if you're upset with me about something I've done, please tell me. Usually, people will just keep quiet and start to keep their distance and I will always wonder if there's something that I've done that upsets you. Or maybe it's really me who is paranoid. But I can feel the gap between us. There's awkwardness between us. I hope I can get rid of it. My friend, the one that helped me up and pulled me away from the stairs that I fell. I am grateful that I can be friends with you.

6 More Days...

2011-10-18T18:48:00.002+08:00

Hi hi~ Long time no blog again. Haiz... Nowadays, I don't really feel like blogging; either this or I have no idea what to blog about. 'O' levels are just a few days away, I am getting more panicky everyday. >< I hope it ends soon. Having 'O' Science practical on the 20th and I have not revise. T^T

No life sia, recently. Wake up, bathe, study, eat, study, sleep and so on. Haiz... As I blog, I went to Youtube fir songs and slowly, I went to watch videos of cats and dogs~ o.O Haha...

One Persistent Thought

2011-09-28T19:30:00.003+08:00

《一念执着》

一眼之念，一念执着

注定就此飞蛾扑火

明知是祸为何还不知所措

最好不见，最好不念

如此才可不与你相恋

多一步的擦肩就步步沦陷

是时间的过错

让我们只能错过

我多想念你多遥远

早知道是苦果

这一刻也不想逃脱

可惜这字眼太刺眼

两个世界之后

不想逃脱

是时间的过错

我们只能错过

我有多么想念你有多遥远

早知道结局是不能抗拒的错

停留在这一刻

只好情深

缘浅

Three Inches of Light

2011-09-28T19:18:00.003+08:00

《三寸日光》

停在这里无法走下去

让悲伤无法上演

下一页你亲手写上的离别

由不得我拒绝

这条路我们走得太匆忙

拥抱着并不真实的欲望

来不及等不及回头欣赏

木兰香遮不住伤

不再看天上太阳透云彩的光

不再找约定了的天堂

不再叹你说的人间世事无常

借不到的三寸日光

不再看天上太阳透云彩的光

不再找约定了的天堂

不再叹你说的人间世事无常

借不到的三寸日光

那天堂是我爱过你的地方

With a Grateful Heart.

2011-07-04T20:23:00.002+08:00

"Let us be to people who made us happy.

They are the charming gardeners

Who made our souls blossom."

- Marcel Proust

Imma kinda happy during these few days. Everything went quite smoothly for me. Hah, for once, I did not complain. Yay~ I am grateful that I am not alone, I am grateful that I am loved and I am grateful that I have loved, I am grateful for those who taught me something and I am grateful towards those whom I worked with be it in school or outside.

I guess I am most grateful towards choir. It gave me lots of memorable memories. Together with everyone in choir, we could achieve what we have today. Initially hope was low and everyone was afraid that they would be disappointed once more. We've been encouraged by Jenice before but I believe it is not just me who still feels a little uneasy but nevertheless, we still clung to the hope to getting our silver.

The reason why we were over the moon when we received our SYF results might be because we treasured it so much. We yearned for it so much. We practised so much. We got scolded many times. The journey to our goal was hard to persevere in. When we finally got it, we were so happy till we can't speak. All our eyes and hearts are smiling; smiling with joy and pride. At that time, I felt that it was very worth the effort. While singing, I thought so hard "Please let us get at least a silver. I don't want to step down crying. I want leaving choir with a smile on my face and feeling happy. I want to cry with joy. We all deserve to get a silver as we put in lots of effort into these three songs. We sweat, we sighed, we cried, we smiled, we laughed, we scolded, we getting reprimanded, we sacrificed, we hanged on, we joked, we played, we sang and we cared. We would not be at ease getting anything below silver." A lot was on my mind (I was relieved that I did not forget my lyrics and parts while thinking) I really begged earnestly for a silver. We wanted it so badly, right?

The Wind

2011-07-04T20:06:00.003+08:00

"I saw you toss the kites on high

And blow the birds about the sky

And all round I heard you pass

Like ladies' skirts across the grass.

Oh Wind, a blowing all day long

That sings so loud a song

All day long..."

- Kelly Tang

Without a doubt, night time is the best. Away from the daytime heat, the constant whispers of the breeze. It is simply a treat for me. The tranquillity of the night, where everyone's activities ceased and the surrounding quietens. How I yearn to go somewhere that has a considerable height and a great view during this part of the day. I could then feel the passing wind against my skin and feeling the coolness from it.

Anger

2011-06-21T18:38:00.002+08:00

"Anyone can be angry, that is easy;

But to be angry with the right person,

and to the right degree,

and the right time

and for the right purpose

and in the right way,

That is not within everyone's power ,

That is not easy."

- Aristotle

Someone, anybody, teach me the correct anger management. I am damn pissed today. Shall not rant too much about today. They just make my blood boil. I am feeling so much resentment. Someone keeps misunderstanding me. Looks like my selection of words are chose wrongly which made her have wrong interpretations of what I spoke. Better brush up my English. I am just tad poor in speaking. And because of this, my ideas, what I mean can be perceived in a wrong light. I hate it. I asked "If I can't vent my anger on anybody, then who should I vent it on or how should I vent it?" Having heard that, she replied that I was too much and I went overboard. Haha... I feel so wronged. She raised me but she don't know me well enough to know what I mean. I could tell all this to my tutor whom I only known for half a year and she could tell me what I really meant. What irony. How sad.

Losing a friend, flunking my exams, having bad times in school- These can't be compared to how she interprets my intentions. Never felt so hurt. The ultimate injury. Superb bitterness. Talk back and shout back, the misunderstanding would only sink deeper. What can I do but only rant at this blog which no one reads? He said those three words but he doesn't mean them. He don't even bother to read my posts. In this case, the words proved no meaning at all. The amulet she gave claimed to make whoever wears it to have more affinity with others. But why do I still have fights and quarrels with the people I know? Buddha's protection and blessing? My foot. What naivety. I don't believe in it.

No one to depend on, no one to talk to, no one to give me console and to give me psychological comfort. They don't understand me at all. Totally. As much as they are frustrated with me, I am equally as frustrated with myself and the insufficient understanding they give.

Away.

2011-06-16T23:24:00.002+08:00

" A person needs at intervals to separate from family and companions

and go to new places.

One must go without familiars

in order to be open to influence, to change."

- Katherine Butler Hathaway

Alrighty, now you've read the quote. I'm not travelling to new places but to my relative's house in Malaysia. Only back on Saturday so if there's anything, contact at the later part of Saturday or Sunday.

A Day At Escape Theme Park

2011-06-15T13:31:00.027+08:00

"Friends are relatives you make for yourself"

- Eustache Deschamps

Pictures of the Escape Theme Park.

I made a new friend today. I got to know her through Tracy, my ex neighbour. Affinity brought us together yesterday or rather it was Star Treasures. I met up with my schoolmate's sister too. ^^ Yesterday's excursion was going to the Escape Theme Park. Having not gone there for 8++ years, it appealed to me. Like the other little friends from the tuition centre, I got excited.

When we reached there, it took us awhile to get organised and enter... The photo above is the wristband they put on my wrist. (Duh)

The first ride the older ones played was the ice rink bumper cars at Explorer Kids (Ehub).

Initially, I thought it is going to be boring, long queue, many people being packed into the space but no, it was three in one go and spacious enough for the players to move and bump each other.

Everyone went for a round before heading back to the theme park.

I followed Tracy, Xin Yi and Tiffany to the Pirate Ship. I regretted riding it deeply. It felt like a gigantic swing swinging us back and fro. I was so afraid that the ride might spoil and tilt us more than it should and throw us off at great height. When it swung up, I could see the other side of the ship below me. I gripped the hand rails as if my life depended on it. I screamed like I never before. When my side plunged down, I found no strength. The ride felt so long... It felt forever for it to stop.

When I got off the ship, my face went red. It should have went white. Haiz... Weird. To cool off, we went to ride "Superman". XDDDD Who knew that after this lying down and spinning ride, my head spun as well and I was on the verge of throwing up. The face was green that time.

After this ride, I could not go on any further. Took a rest. I figured out that the reason my head spun was because I was hungry. Therefore, I started munching on the food I've brought. Biscuits, Pringles, Mamee Noodles, London Choco Roll, Oreo, sushi and fried fish balls that cost $1.50 per three balls. How cheap.

After eating, we went for the FamilyCoaster. We played until my back developed a painful lump... T^T See the second photo? It was my sis and Tracy's brother, Tim, sitting together when playing this ride. I can hear wedding bells ringing already~ Woohoo~!!!! XDDDD I think too far. Because they looked so lovey dovey, I added effects to the photo, making it so... You know arh. ;D

Next, horrors of the horrors, one of the horrifying rides- Wet n Wild.

The obvious slide captured in this photo is nothing compared to the one that has the height of 15m. IT WAS FREAKING HIGH. The impact of the sliding was huge. I got drenched in just one big splash. This sucks. But it was thrilling anyway.

This ride was similar to the ice rink's ones but this time, it's on water. Everyone sprayed at everyone. The ride was difficult to steer. I was the first to head back to the station.

Next, we play the goKart. More steering and driving. Love it. But the tracks were so short and boring... Sulks* Played this several rounds. Some of the players stole another round that the people in charge have to drive and herd them back to the station like shepherd and sheep.

Lastly, we got on to the Ferris Wheel. Although small, it has enough atmosphere... Haha... We dominated one cabin (compartment?) each to have a moment to be alone. The above photo was again edited to it is the exact ferris wheel.

Yes, effects were added to these two as well. Nice?

Frosted window. Argh. I don't need privacy. I want to take a picture of the scenery from above. The rest are fine, beautiful.

Oh, what's this? The seat inside the cabin. The actual colour is pink. Hmm... Why did I make it gray? Inference, please. ;)

Here are my friends~ Young, aren't they? =) It's been fun playing with them. When it comes to playing, they're better than people who has about the same age as me. They also made me feel younger again. XDDD

June Holidays~

2011-06-09T11:53:00.003+08:00

"Life is not measured by the breaths you take,

but by its breathtaking moments."

-Michael Vance

Two Saturdays ago, I attended the choir's picnic gathering. I was so kuku and so blur that I walked for nearly an hour at Pasir Ris Park just to find the venue for the picnic. I gave up on walking so I went to the nearest bicycle kiosk which has no other branches. My, what fun~ The word "picnic" has the image of sandwiches and fingerfood but when I reached there, what I saw was chip, seaweeds, yakult and more chips. It's quite disappointing and the number of people who gathered there were small.

Sat down and started munching. Luckily, there were more peeps coming. And the real fun began~ ^^ We rented more bikes and cycled a large part of the park. Going uphill is so TIRING... Fortunately for Shi Ying, she overcame her fear of mounting a bike and riding it. Yay Shi Ying~ \^^/ Banzai~ Then we, one whole mad crowd went to play the playground that was nearby. TRUCKLOADS OF FUN this time~~~ Initially, I thought we would disperse early but in the end, we stayed later than the designated time. Hohohoho......

Now, I am stuck at home, taking care of my precious sis. Thank Heavens that she did not give me any trouble. When it comes to her, I am quite easily pissed... Ohohohoho..... Thank God that our little neighbours did not come out of their units to play at the corridors. If not, my sister would want to play with them. Haiz... Oh well...

Recently, I finished watching Ouran High Host Club". Awesome anime they got here. They're HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA..... Rolls on the floor laughing* Hits the floor with fist and laughs till cries* Japanese anime rocks~ Local shows are so dull and predictable. T^T Should hire Japanese directors and more to create new shows in Singapore.

That's it for now. Tata~

Alone

2011-05-16T21:51:00.003+08:00

"Language... has created the word "loneliness"

to express the pain of being alone

And it has created the word "solitude"

to express the glory of being alone."

- Paul Johannes Tillich

Today, I went out alone. I shopped alone. I ate alone. I movied alone and went home alone. Well, it's nice to stop thinking about being goody two shoes and trying to please anyone because no one is with me. I did not have to please anybody nor do I have to spare a thought for anybody. I did not have to talk much too. Or maybe not talk at all. Today was somewhat weird because there wasn't anyone to please with. Haha... Which one do I want? (Shrugs) I have no idea. With this or without this, I am equally tired. So it doesn't really matter.

Watched "Water for Elephants" today and I found it so so nia. The ring master of the circus was just downright pervertic and cruel to animals. He could be seen jabbing sharp objects at an elephant with such force that the elephant bled. With a dying horse, he did not want to kill it but make it perform till its last breath. Damn brutal. >.< Then, he throws his workers off the moving train, should they ever demand for their pay. I never seen such a meanie in any movies before.... Bad guy.

Went to one of my favourite shops in Century Square again. I've got to say that I LOVE THEIR LETTER SETS!!!!!!!! Screams* I decided that I would start buying one of every kind from that shop and add them to my collection. 8DDD Oh, by the way Yoshinoya, a Japanese restaurant, was replaced by another restaurant. T^T I can't have Teriyaki and Salmon with rice there anymore... WHY DOES THIS HAPPENS TO ME???!!! Background weather: Raining heavily, lightning strikes, thunder claps, sea waves going to and fro in huge sizes and smashing themselves against rocks.

My Reply

2011-05-15T15:52:00.002+08:00

Back to you:

I am a person who's lacking in confidence and is insecure. I don't know what made these traits part of me. I am glad that you can tell me straight to the point about what our problems are. That saves me from thinking what went wrong. I need assurance from time to time. Now knowing that you want others to get to talk to you too, I can be at ease cos of your attitude towards this. I've been selfish without knowing it myself. I apologise for this. I am sorry that I made you uncomfortable. Having much difficulty to find a friend like you, I refuse to end this friendship so easily. I thought I was protecting our friendship but it turned out otherwise. The thought of acting similarly to Sarrah irks me too. =.=" I feel that I am becoming like her. (Gags) I get your point about this touch-me-not matter. I won't commit the same thing anymore. I hope that we can go to the old days again.

Drifting Dreams

2011-05-04T20:42:00.002+08:00

"At night, I would be thrown into random worlds,

Becoming Alice in Wonderland.

Like her, I become very confused, bewildered as

I wonder around dimensions that are so unfamiliar and strange.

Like her, I tried to get back home, where my body lay.

When I open my eyes, fatigue overwhelms.

I had no rest."

-Wen Tyng

They say that the dreams that you have reflects what you've been thinking before you sleep but for me, this isn't the case. Somehow, I could remember most of my dreams. So weird and random sia~ They are usually far more crazier and wackier than I could ever imagine. It's puzzling. Talking caterpillars, sitting a train that flies and so on. Just like the story of Alice in Wonderland but I don't think of that story that often... (Scratches head)

Here, but not with me.

2011-05-02T19:01:00.002+08:00

"We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection."

-Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama

Recently, we are beginning to drift apart again... I don't whether if I am just paranoid. Haiz... I feel that we must find something that we both enjoy doing to flourish our friendship. Maybe we should not wait till the exams are over. We can start doing scrapbooking, even it's bit by bit. Other than this, I don't think other activities interest the both of us. ^^ If you ever find one, please let me know, ok?

Appreciation

2011-04-25T22:13:00.003+08:00

"Appreciation can make a day, even change a life.

Your willingness to put it into words

Is all that is necessary." -Margaret Cousins

To all choir members, I truly appreciate what you've all done to make this possible. Attending choir practices after a long day of study can be a turn off but nevertheless, all of you bothered to show up and engage yourselves. I am very happy that huge amount of effort was put in before and during syf. Never before I was so engaged and wanting to achieve something better so much. Not only we're engaged in songs but in our bonding. And never before, the choir was united as this. I surely enjoyed my time with you all.

I thank you all for making this a memorable part of my Secondary School life.

Current Events

2011-04-24T22:18:00.002+08:00

"When a war breaks out, people say "It's too stupid, it can't last long."

But though a war may be "too stupid",

That doesn't prevent its lasting." -Albert Camus

Today is... Should I say, normal? By the end of today, I felt so energryless. I was literally trudging my way home from Chinese tuition. Someone looked classy today in class~ XD Perhaps he went on a date before tuition.. Who knows? XD I decided to start blogging again cos I love my current blogskin~ Wait till I get tired of it, alrighty? Then readers can have a break from my babbling.

Watched the news awhile ago, saw people throwing bombs at each other for I-don't-know-what reasons, rioting to just pull presidents off the stage or something like that. Haiz... People know that it's plain stupid to start a war but they still do it. Compulsion? (Shrugs)

I kind of looking forward to watching "Wedding of a Lifetime" on Friday. It's LIVE and starts at 3p.m. What a grand wedding~

Gotta sign off now, got an exam tomorrow in school. Byee!

A Highly Prized Silver

2011-04-24T16:29:00.003+08:00

At last, our silver! We wanted this so badly. I myself wished so hard for it when I was singing on that day. I wanted the judges to hear this wish of mine through the songs. "School number 112, Coral Secondary School.... Silver." I could die from joy. Others who were with me burst into tears. One of them said "We broke that stupid curse..." The curse of getting bronze for every Singapore Youth Festival. I think we were the first batch to get a silver. Getting this silver was the whole world to me. Our conductor, Miss Lee Wan Rong also cried upon hearing this news. Mr Fabian Lim had his rims of his eyes red. Everybody who went back to SOTA went emotional. Ember cried the loudest. Michael cried too. I saw all these and agreed that we've indeed engaged ourselves all these while and up to 19th April. We worked so hard to get this silver. Every note we sang contain the determination of getting to a higher level.

Now that we've got it, we are filled with joy and fulfilment. At last, a silver.

Japan Disaster... =(

2011-03-27T21:10:00.003+08:00

Choir syf is coming up... (Screams) (Pulls out hair) I want a silver so badly. I can't afford to get another bronze. This batch is breaking the bronze record!!!!!!!!! 8DDD Recently, I passing my Sciences. Yay for me! But I am not truly happy.

Cos I'm leaving choir. On the day of our big day. I pictured myself, standing on the stage and had finished singing the first two songs. Then when the lapse time came before the last song starts, I thought to myself "May I present my last song to all of you and my juniors."

Japan is hit very badly by the tsunami, earthquake and radiation. They lost a portion of their citizens and other people as well. But they didn't seem to be crying alot. I am quite impressed. Unlike Singapore, they are able to composed themselves within a short time. It hurts to lose your loved ones.. Probably this is the only pain I won't get to experience yet...

爱的供养

2011-03-15T18:04:00.002+08:00

把你捧在手上，虔诚地焚香

剪下一段烛光，把经纶点亮

不求荡气回肠，只求爱一场

爱到最后受了伤，哭得好绝望

我用尽一生一世来将你供养

只期盼你停住流转的目光

请赐予我无限爱与被爱的力量

让我能安心在菩提下静静地观想

把你放在心上，合起了手掌

默默祈求上苍，指引我方向

不求地久天长，只求在身旁

累了醉倒温柔乡，轻轻地梵唱

我用尽一生一世来将你供养

只期盼你停住流转的目光

请赐予我无限爱与被爱的力量

让我能安心在菩提下静静地观想

我用尽一生一世来将你供养

人世间有太多的烦恼要忘

苦海中飘荡着你那旧时的摸样

一会头发现早已踏出了红尘万丈

Summary of last week.

2011-01-16T13:09:00.003+08:00

Looks like this blog is dead. Haven't been updating it.... But is also seems that nobody is reading it. Oh well, I'll just write for my eyes to read.

Last week's happy stuff:

Choir performance was a success last Friday. We managed to receive a loud applause from the Secondary Ones. I managed not to screw up. Singing Dancing Queen and Mama Mia were better choice compared to slow songs. Having this great achievement is delightful~ However, why all good things happen when I am stepping down? Geez... I am pissed. This year, I became so energetic in choir. I never felt like this before. What made me changed? Hmm... Probably because I know that this is my last year? I can't bear to leave choir... I feel like I can do more. Recently, choir just improved. I feel so happy for them. I am envious of them because they can have so much fun with Miss Ong and her assistants. When I thought about this year being my last year as their senior, it brought me to tears. Everyone in choir is such a nice bunch... Getting sappy, eh? Sniff, sniff. Can't help it.. I really like everyone in choir.

Last week's angry stuff:

The juniors who made and put up the choir flyers were upset. Someone in the school actually tore down our flyers and pasted their flyers over ours. It's so unfair. I brought this up to Mr Lim and he said "It's expected." (rolls eyes) If it's in the working life, I am speechless but this is a school, for goodness sake. Even I did not have anything to do with the flyers, I felt furious. My poor juniors' effort went down the drain. Dang it. If this happens, is this called a school? It's possible that we can't stop this from happening, but what about fair competition? If others can advertise about their CCAs, why can't we? If others can paste their flyers all around the school, why can't we? Moral teachings in school is a failure. TOTALLY. Of course, I can't judge everyone like that. I won't. Cos it's unfair.

Yesterday's unexpected incident:

I was dining with my family at Ehub, at a restaurant called "BBQ Chicken". Dad seemed to look gloomly but whatever. He went to the opposite restaurant to eat instead. My sister tagged along. When Mum, Kak and I were done eating, we went over to Dad, I handled my sister's bottle to my sister. Beside the table where my father ate, there was a group of boys. I did not notice much about them. I passed the bottle to my sister and stepped out of the restaurant. I went shopping with my mum and Kak. I went into one of the stationery shops and saw notebooks and schedulers being sold at low prices. I rushed to tell my mum, she gave the permission to buy. I did not want to buy immediately so I started browsing. Mum and company came, to look around too. After much decision, I bought a scheduler. I headed towards the exit of the shop when I heard a "Hi." behind me. I turned, I saw a guy with an unfamiliar face but I "Hi" him back. I then continued walking. He followed and tapped me on my shoulder. He talked to me but I can't hear him properly as he's too soft. I only heard bits and pieces of his talk. Something about a guys birthday and going for a drink, I guess? He then pointed to a direction. I looked. It's that group of boys that I saw in the restaurant where my father ate. By then, I was thinking, "Shit, I can't hear this guy's talking. Why does he want? I wonder if he mind repeating what he said just now?" I started asking him "Who are you? Do I know you?". Getting nervous liao. I wanna get out of this conversation cum request. Then my little "saviour" came. "Jie, mummy go already! Hurry up!" I turned to the guy and said " I have to go. Sorry.". I looked at the rest of the boys and greeted them and walked off. Phew. Yesterday was very unexpected...

Recently sad stuff:

Had a fight with my old man not long ago. We were revolving around the topic of "Fairness". We quarreled to a point where he suddenly said "I don't have a daughter like you." Strange right? Surprisingly, I don't really mind. I felt like stepping out of the house when he said that but I decided not to. I don't want Mum to come back home to find that we had a major fight. I don't want her to get upset over this... Now, it's all peace for my ears. No more nagging or fighting. It's for the better. I don't need his nagging. I know what to do but I just don't want to carry out the required actions and so on.

I'll say till here. I'm going for my Chemistry tuition~ Tata~

Free

2010-12-19T11:36:00.002+08:00

All these while, in an infatuation

I will ensure that this relationship is just another delusion

I will be the first that you ditch

but that's ok,

Because I will be free.

Painful Separation

2010-12-04T15:09:00.002+08:00

I am never so devoted to something before till now. I feel so alive whenever I am in choir. I feel so cosy, warm and welcomed... I am sure that the choir members are the reason behind this. I am so glad that I joined choir. Even though choir practices are always long and tiring, I never lost my passion for singing and looking out for other members. Now, I became one of the sectional leaders in Soprano One. From there, I know that my dedication paid off. Of course, I am not eyeing the position. I just want the choir to sing better and write a new history before we, the seniors leave this school. I know that I will not bear to step down. I will miss having choir, miss singing songs with everybody there. The thought is so unbearable alone... What if the day comes? Would the pain be more unimaginable? They say that people get together and will separate at some point of time. I've been through countless separation but so far this will become one of the most painful separation.

Knife-like Words

2010-11-13T11:24:00.002+08:00

Every lesson, it is always like this. I dread the moment when you start to go through my work. Words came pouring out, cutting my heart like knives. You claimed that you are the straight forward type. Upon hearing those words, I felt so torn. When you realised that you've hurt me, you became cautious with your words again. It has become a cycle.

This has happened countless of times, but why can't I get used to it? I don't know why I can't maintain my usual composure. You made it so unbearable. I can remember your "straightforwardness" more than your teachings. I really don't know why I can't produce a satisfactory work that can make you shut your mouth. Why are you always the one that can really upset my mood? Moreover, you can make me smile again? Why do I mind so much about your opinions? I don't understand.

Every lesson, I had to brace myself, to prevent myself from crying as it would hinder my learning. Are you trying to show me the degree of harshness the society can exhibit?! Gee, thanks. With you needing to treat me with such delicacy, I feel so vulnerable to suffering and criticism. I feel so weak. Today, the cycle started again. I felt the same like every lesson. So painful. My resentment towards you surfaced and you noticed that after awhile. Then you became careful. Cracked some jokes and made me laugh. I decided to "put out the flame temporarily". I planned to slam my house door in your face when you leave. However, it failed. My neighbour was in the way.

I haven't cried properly for months... It's time to let the tears flow, letting them wash away the sadness as they trickle down the face.

Faltering Friendship

2010-11-05T23:37:00.002+08:00

It sucks when you're being left out, isn't it? When you needed to be recognized... But nevermind. If this friendship is meant to last, it will last. I will do my best to maintain it. I won't become possessive or anything. I will just give you my smiles every now and then to show you that I will always be there for you. I will give the support you need.

Although I always roll my eyes at you whenever you mentioned about your favourite Korean band or hobby, I can see the enthusiasm from your animated talks. I won't try to make you do what I want. We both lack in areas that we can't find from our own's. That's why we hit along well. I am lacking what you have and vice versa.

So I'll just let the door open, it is entirely up to you whether or not to walk out of the door.

Shifted Fear

2010-10-17T23:03:00.002+08:00

I am finally free from my End of Year Exams!!!!!! YES!!!! Those two weeks were dreadfully long and tiring... Zzzzzzzzzzz...... On Saturday, I bought a pair of in line skates. Yipee!! Compared to the previous pair I had, it is much slippery. I have difficulty balancing too. I went to the void deck to play and played without my knee protector. Fell and scraped my knee. Sobs*

Now, my fear will be shifted to the results of the exam. Shivers* I feel that I might get retained... What to do? I will waste one year...

Distractions

2010-09-29T23:42:00.002+08:00

It's been xxx weeks/months since I posted on this blog. Man, exams are coming up and I won't have the time to update this blog everyday but then... Who cares? (Looks at the tagboard) This blog is dead right? Nobody is reading it anymore right? Haha...

Till now, my Chemistry is still as lousy as ever. I did not improve. Haiz... Miss Dewi taught in a way that everything looked easy but no, it's totally the opposite. I wonder what happens if I dropped to combined Science.. I think I will be slaughtered by my parents. >.<>

Recently, more distractions are being added to my life. Argh. (Pulls hair out) That stubborn boy. (Smacks face) I shall not rant about him.

Flower Letter

2010-08-27T17:47:00.002+08:00

Flower Letter

Chika Saeba

Seasons always come and go

But where they are going at such a fast pace?

The wind beats against the window gently

I get an invitation to travel to a far-off land

I'll be gone for a bit, so don't cry

Let's make a pinky promise

That we will certainly meet again

One, two, the flower petals

Scattered and disappeared in a remote country

I examined one of the memories I had that was hard to part with

And though people meet, depart, and then meet again

In some kind of cycle,

This time I spent with you,

Has been an important treasure.

I never want to forget it.

Concert~

2010-08-25T22:56:00.002+08:00

Hi people! Our school choir is holding a concert on 5th September, Sunday. The choirs performing on that day are Pasir Crest Secondary, Wild Empire and Coral Secondary. This concert starts at 3.30p.m, in the afternoon. If interested, please let me know. Each ticket costs $16. Its a free seating concert. I agree that it's a little pricey but I am sure that it is worth the money. ^^

Stopped Breathing

2010-08-23T15:37:00.002+08:00

You and I crossed paths.

Since then, your feelings are like chains

that are glued to your hand

Feelings ordered you to chain me up

You saw my resistance. You did not stop.

You saw my tears. You did not stop.

Finally, I crumbled under them, suffocated by your hands.

A Walk To Remember

2010-08-23T15:33:00.002+08:00

Walking home when it suddenly rained

"Why is this so familiar?" I wondered.

I remembered.

You and I went through this weather once

Knowing that I can never find back the same rain,

I closed my eyes and sighed.

Tears

2010-08-14T19:24:00.005+08:00

Tears

Girls Generation

The white starlight, the black darkness

Is pushing me away from far

When I look at you with my smile

I always become farther apart

When I call you, when I find you

Come to me as the wind

Hug me in secret so I can feel you

You are always next to me

The blue sky has dyed you

Before you find out about my love

Don't feel bad for me, if you understand my tears

You will be able to laugh too

When I call you, when I find you

Come to me as the wind

Hug me in secret so I can feel you

You are always next to me

Love~ My song is like the wind

Do you hear it too?

You left so many memories

I only think about you.

When I call you, when I find you

Come back to me as the rain

Whisper to me under the umbrella

I loved you more

So I am hurting more

How can I convey it to you

My heart that really loved you

How is my love

Over that, like that

That I will love now

I love you....

Summary!

2010-08-13T19:46:00.002+08:00

National Day was a peeving one. I discovered that somehow, the TV crew was reluctant to film the One Voice Choir. Sheesh. I feel so unfair for the participants. We worked so hard for months just to perform for that one hour on the actual day. But then... It's the live audience that got to see our performance.

Sergeant Lin wrote two big cards for us, Part One & Two respectively. Part One wrote about his fun time with us and Part Two... It was about our lack of discipline. After the performance, he made Jenice cry. Although I like him, I like Jenice better. I can't accept that he made Jenice sad. Haiz... Today after school, the choir went to Tampines Junior College to practice our concert pieces. Guess what transport we took? SBS bus lor. Cheapskate right? After the practice, we were dismissed from there. Walao eh.

Fifteen

2010-08-04T18:43:00.010+08:00

It's been two days since my birthday. I received numerous wishings and presents~ ^^

Firstly, this was given by my ex-neighbour last Thursday. It's from the United Chocolates. Sweet~ As she could not give it on the actual day, she wished me a happy birthday in advance. Thank you!

Next, this cake was made by Eden! Looks delicious, doesn't it? She gave it on last Friday. Of course, I shared the cake with my friends. Krish just simply grabbed one slice of it. =3= This time, the cake turned alright! Yay! 8D

This was given by Shawn, my classmate. In front of the whole class, he lighted a candle on the cake and gave it to me. I was so embarrassed.... But, many thanks to him anyway. =)

This slice, was given by Brandon, my classmate on my birthday. It's been ages since I ate a fruit cake. So this is good~ I am getting a little~ sick of chocolate flavoured cakes...

Here comes this keychain! Given by Ember! Very cute right? Is that a cow or a deer? Look at its purple glittery nose~ XDDD Can't bear to use it but I will keep it in a safe place.

To the people who wished me a Happy Birthday, I thank you. Although I can't remember all of you (I deserve a thousand death). You all made my day. =)

Leave or Stay?

2010-07-26T22:24:00.002+08:00

If I knew that you'll become such a wonderful friend, I wish I hadn't know you. You were the one of the very few people that I open up to willingly. You're like the positive charge while I am the negative charge. You'll always brighten up my days with your silly but adorable ways. Without your optimism or should I say laziness, I would not know how to take things at an easier pace. I am so glad that you are not affected by my pessimism.

I can't say that I will support your decision to SOTA because I don't want to lose you. We've been through so much together. We went crazy and cried together. I will miss the times when you go screaming at the mere mention of the guys you like and hyperventilating at the sight of them. I will miss shaking my head when I see you go ga-ga over them. I am used to waiting for your arrival in the canteen. I am used to looking out for your face when I walk towards the parade square in the mornings. I am also in the habit of looking out for your hot pink bag after school, waiting for you to come to my side and walk home together.

I refuse to let you know more friends. I am so afraid that you would spend more time with your new friends than with me. Gradually, we will drift apart and our friendship will eventually be reduced to nothing. With you gone, I can't update you about my day in class as quickly as usual.

Remember the day when you broke this news to me? We were laughing hard about some jokes. After you told me about this sudden piece of news, I already started crying, I bet you could see the tears at the corners of my eyes. Now grasping your hand tightly, please free yourself from me if you really want to pursue your dreams. This is because I am reluctant about you leaving me and us.

In the previous years, I was under this kind of circumstances. I wanted to quit band but seeing the sad faces of my seniors, I felt so guilty. At the same time, I was overwhelmed by the amount of scores they require me to learn. I was in the same type of dilemma. I don't know what to choose. After learning quite a lot from them, I chose to leave them. The efforts they invested on me were wasted. For you, leaving for SOTA will lead to lesser meet ups. We will communicate much lesser, excluding msn or Facebook.

I can't imagine days without you. No more face to face consolation in school, no more crying together and no more laughing in front of each other's real presence.

All I know is, everybody will miss you.

Almost late

2010-07-13T20:42:00.003+08:00

Was almost late for school today. ALMOST. I reached the classroom on the dot. I waited for No. 81 or 39 to arrive but they took so long. I decided to take No. 21. It took me to the bus interchange. Once I alighted, I walked for my life. The usual saying is "Run for your life". I can't run cos my bag will slow me down, with it swinging sideways with my book in it.

No choice, but to walk fast. After awhile, I realised my soles was in pain. I got some idea that the soles of the shoe is wearing out. Reached school ran for my classroom. My knees almost gave way to the weight of my bag. I almost buckled. Sheesh. Plonked down my bag on the chair. Sweating profusely already... I wonder if I am being marked as late in the attendance... I hope not. I want a squeaky clean school record. I don't even want to be a first timer.

Today for home room, Miss Lee did something different. She made us meditate! Initially, I wanted to keep myself awake but then I felt like giving it a shot. I manage to have that inner peace for that period of time.

History lessons are getting interesting. Mr Faisal was showing us two same videos but the content in it was different. They are hilarious~ For one of the very first time, I kept awake for the whole History lesson~

We don't deserve this.

2010-07-10T23:58:00.002+08:00

Today's rehearsal is so fucked up. We rehearsed and all we got was "IT WAS ATROCIOUS AND DESPICABLE! YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A BUNCH OF HOOLIGANS, GANGSTERS, RASCALS!"

Apparently, some people were so bored that they started throwing bottle/bottle caps and pushing one another and fighting with another. Some people ignored the gentle reminders. They were told nicely that they should not treat their long pants as bermudas. Some choose their break times, some kept looking at the screen instead of the conductor and majority of the one voice choir members went to the restroom at the same time. Another reason was, some of us did not sing.

I thought it is going to be a good night. I really have the feeling. Some were fidgeting when the National Anthem was being played. Stupid enough to make that man scold.

I was munching away on some Maple Brown Sugar oat bar from Nature Valley. I couldn't care more about the scolding. Isn't my fault anyway. It only spoils my mood. The boys were like venting their anger by eating the snacks given furiously. What a sight. Those who did not enrage the people in charge got involved and the innocent ones have to be reprimanded. Who doesn't feel the unjust?

Had catered food for lunch ans KFC (again ) for dinner. They gave us Swiss Rolls and bread from sunshine and lychee drink for supper. Boarded the bus after the berating. Coral choir was as hyper as usual. It's not surprising. They might be venting out their anger or frustrations in their screamings and singing.

All I want to say is, You all did a good job. Let's do our best and create a memorable National Day. I believe that you're not among the people who enraged the people in charge. Keep it up and improve. (^_^)

Cloth

2010-07-01T18:38:00.002+08:00

I was given a white cloth

I wanted a red cloth

I splashed the white cloth with red dye

I hanged it on the pegs to let it dry

A strong gust of wind blew, tearing the cloth off the pegs

The wind played with it, letting the cloth become out of my reach.

Karate Kid

2010-06-24T11:24:00.002+08:00

Went to the cinema with my cousin yesterday. We watched Karate Kid and it was awesome! Some parts are very touching~ Before the movie starts, we went window shopping. I can't say I was patient for the show to start... Haha...

We smuggled a tin of original flavoured Pringles, two bottles of pulpy Minute Maid, a bag of fried chicken cutlet, one packet of Calbee's Hot n Spicy! We bought a cup of melted cheese and ate it with the Pringles chips! Yum~ Lastly, we brought sushi into the theatre.

After watching my stomach was so full of junk food that I skipped dinner. Then my cousin said that she wanted to buy something before she heads home. She stopped by a donut shop named J.CO. She asked me to choose the flavours.. O.O On the way home, I asked her if she went there specially and she said yes. Aww.... Isn't she nice? ^^

Gratitude.

2010-06-23T22:22:00.002+08:00

The ones who made you smile a lot can make you cry a lot. Whenever one is too concerned about another, one could get injured so easily even if the other does not mean any harm. I think I've never cared so much about an adult before, excluding my family.

Everytime I thought about the tasks given by him, I would recall his disappointed look. That what makes me do the tasks. I would almost cry when he went through comprehensions. He said I was too sensitive. Maybe I am. I realized that I was never that sensitive to whatever a person is saying. I take everything that he said to the heart. Usually, I would just laugh it off. But no, I do not and am unable to.

Whenever we meet, I will start fretting everytime he kept silent or stop smiling. I will panic and wonder if I did anything wrong which upsets him. I enjoy talking, out talking him, proving him wrong and joking with him. So far, I have not seen him lose his patience or temper yet.

I am so thankful for what he taught me for these four years.

2010-06-21T22:36:00.002+08:00

独角戏

许茹芸

是谁导演这场戏

在这孤单角色里

对白总是自言自语

对手都是回忆

看不出什么结局

自始自终全是你

让我投入太彻底

如果故事注定悲剧

何苦给我美丽演出相聚和别离

没有星星的夜里

我用泪光吸引你

既然爱你不能言语

只能微笑哭泣让我从此忘了你

没有星星的夜里

我把往事留给你

如果一切只是演戏

要你好好看戏

心碎只是我自己

At Padang

2010-06-20T22:27:00.005+08:00

"We have a vision for tomorrow...." Last Saturday, We went to Padang for National day Rehearsal. It took about an hour or more to get there. After reaching there, we made our way to the stadium. We sat only for awhile when someone among the participants vomitted. The instructor called out to the medics before they came out. Very efficient eh? Eight medics came out. To escort one girl. Cool right? At the same time, another dehydrated. This time, the eight medics were still deciding who should approach the dehydrated one. The instructor must scream at them before they act. Moreover, they headed to the wrong direction. The dehydrated one was at the other side of the stage from where they were standing.

After some sun tanning, we lunched. Had pizzahut~ A stomach filling one. "You are going to have your dinner at 3.30p.m". That sentence sent us making a commotion. We just had lunch and awhile later will come dinner? The pizzas are only half digested... From the early afternoon to 2.30p.m, we did nothing. NOTHING. NOTHING THAT IS RELATED TO THE REHEARSAL. Those people selling ice creams must have made a huge profit because there was only one salesmen selling ice cream. When he came to our direction, a huge bee line was formed in front of him. Quick $$ sia....

We got to perform during evening. There was a certain time when the whole stage shook when we danced. One of my choir members either got sick or frightened. The "hosts" of the rehearsal were real damn acting enthusiastic. There was one that was bad in charisma... Had a little fireworks during the rehearsal. Many came when we were heading for the coach back to school. AS WHEN WE WERE HEADING BACK TO SCHOOL. That's all for that day.

Moonlight

2010-06-16T21:09:00.003+08:00

月光

胡哥

重复地听着这首歌

Listening to this song repeatedly

自己难过,自己泪流

Being sad alone, crying alone

茉莉花随着风飘落

Jasmine flowers are swaying in the wind

回家的路一个人走过

The road to home being walked alone

也许是哪里走错

Might have taken a wrong turn somewhere

路的尽头没有人等我

No one is waiting for me at the end of the road

岁月总是擦肩而过

Years always brush pass

流星划过什么也不留

Shooting stars flashed across, leaving nothing

月光之下我们哭过笑过

We laughed and cried under the moonlight

月光之下你说你爱我

You told me that you love me under the moonlight

风雨再大我会一直握着你的手

No matter how big the storm is, I will always hold your hand

呵护着你不让你走...

Protecting and loving you, not letting you go

Answer me.

2010-06-15T22:47:00.002+08:00

Why didn't you answer my calls or reply my sms? You said that you would confirm if you can make it to Crescendo...

Forgive.

2010-06-10T20:57:00.001+08:00

You forgive me for liking you too much,
And I'll forgive you for not liking me enough.

You forgive me for missing you so.
And I'll forgive you for being so cold.

You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart.
And I'll forgive you for not hearing it.

You forgive me for finding you so attractive.
And I'll forgive you for not noticing.

You forgive me wanting to be with you.
And I'll forgive you for avoiding me.

Rehearsal

2010-06-04T23:37:00.002+08:00

Holiday is boring~ The last thing on the mind would be doing homework. However, the thought of completed homework is always on my mind. Gah. I have nothing to post about... Sheesh.

Had my National Day Rehearsal last Saturday. The moment when I reached school, I became emotional. I sat down on a bench and drank my milo. I thought hard about something but I don't know what I want to think about. For some reason, I felt sadness. After talking to my junior for sometime, I went to the foyer. I isolated myself and played some songs. I sang along. I saw the bus that fetched us. I waited till everyone approach the bus then I showed myself.

I took the first seat and had Miss Lee beside me. I just kept silent throughout the journey. During the first half of the rehearsal, a shooting of a video about the rehearsal was done. I can't smile. Weird eh? Perhaps I am just mood swinging... After dinner, my spirits lightened up. Watched the others rehearse. By the way, Dick Lee came and supervised the performance.

After dinner, everyone worked on the last part of the performance. By the time we finished, it was already 9.30p.m. The duration of the rehearsal was way longer than that of school. On the way back to school, everyone was so energetic, more active compared when we were heading for the camp. One word to describe back then- Noisy.

We wore the costume throughout the whole thing. Sweat a lot and I drank water like I never drank for a week. Water never taste so good. Dad fetched me and the whole day just ended in this way.

Ashita ge Mienakute

2010-06-03T19:06:00.003+08:00

Unable To See Tomorrow
(I do not own this)

The wish that I raised all by myself
Shall bloom like a beautiful flower.
If my dream can't be granted, and I'm going to give up
then at least, let the seed be sown in the ground.

Right now, I just want to quietly sleep
In a translucent wind embraced in wings
Let's look for the whereabouts of the destiny I was entrusted with.
A swarm of falling petal-like feathers dance down.

As if I was being called out by a mirage,
I came all the way to this place
Someone please tell me I'm not all alone
Before the shape of my dream fades away.

I've been gathering the fragments of my sadness
That can be seen reflected in my eyes
Eternity is so endless and suffocating
So much that it sounds like something someone would long for.

I want to be loved and for someone to be next to me
But I can't seem to find tomorrow.

Guilty

2010-05-26T14:43:00.002+08:00

He's fine and all but I just don't like him to be kind to me. I will feel guilty. When he makes me feel this way, I will feel pissed. Why do I have to owe him in the first place? I feel like telling him "You just sit still and accept my feelings. You don't have to do anything." This might not be feelings but making up. I feel like making up to him because I know after I left him, he suffered. Seeing him like this, I blamed myself for accepting him without thinking much. I blamed myself for making him sad. Becausse of my rashness, I made both of us miserable.

I also kept wondering "Why is he so faithful after all the things I did to him?". Besides, it's been years already. This year, I finally stepped out of the shadows. I've gotten over him. I gave up. This is good news for me!

Cheated

2010-05-21T22:37:00.002+08:00

I am thinking of taking up a part-time job during the holidays. I told my mum about it in the midst of the release of mid year results. She seems to allow. I felt happy about it. "I don't have to ask her for money during the holidays." I thought.

Who knows that today, when I asked her again. She gave me a "no". Of course, I typed the word "seems". The way she talks about it really made me feel that she allows. I feel cheated and disappointed.

A couple of years ago, the same thing happened. I got the grades they wanted but I stil could not get the Nintendo DS. I want her to give me a definite answer. I don't her to make me guess. Not being allowed to work is fine with me but making an empty promise is just so... I got the grades you wanted a couple years back but you said "I think don't buy lah." So are you trying to say that you're only making me believe that you will actually buy it so that I will get good grades for you? You gave me that idea and when I get what you want, "Sorry, no DS for you". I know I don't study for you. Like I said earlier again, bluffing and studying are two different things.

Now, I know how you feel now when you're being lied to. Thanks for the experience. But do I have to feel what you feel? Research shows that victims of bully become bullies themselves. For what? To show how much anger/helplessness/depression/sorrow they have to their victims. I won't say that you're a bully. You're not a bully. You're my mother. You're just acting a teeny little bit like them.

You gave me the conditions I wanted. However, the "contract" has loopholes in it.

2010-05-04T18:08:00.000+08:00

Can you see me?

Heartwarming.

2010-04-28T21:35:00.002+08:00

Had P.E today and played Captain's Ball while the other were running for their 2.4km. Initially, it was not fun at all. I was in the other class team. Gradually, more and more people came and joined in. The team I was playing in had their classmates to help them win and I stood there like an white elephant.

Later, the team I was in was requesting for a competition between Normal Academic and Express so I joined my class team. Tried to participate as much as I can. Shampoo made my day. ^^ He passed the ball to me as much as he could and even when I was behind him and near to the opponent's side! It seems that only he can see me. I am not invisible to him. Once, I went to block one of the team members from the opposing team and I fell. A handful of them came running to me and asked if I was alright. I never felt so cared for before in school...

I continued playing and this time, I was fiddling with my finger because it hurt a little and I have no idea what I did to it. He walked towards me and asked if my hand was alright. I was susprised that he managed to notice it. Very touching sia~

Crescendo 2

2010-04-17T18:32:00.003+08:00

This week is so busy. Busy what? Crescendo 2 lah. Can't sleep well this week. We had to leave our classrooms, eat and prepare to get to Raffles Hotel, kenna called out of the Jubilee Hall several times because of practice. So, I had to tear myself away from the performing group I am watching. (Sobs)

Yesterday was the actual day. Everybody was noisy as usual. The Secondary Fours were shouting at us cos they wanted peace and quiet. The last rehearsal went bad. Miss Ong said that we went sharp and scolded some of them of being distracted. I guess her reprimanding got through us because after the real performence, she commented that it was a good job.

My voice cracked though when I sang the last song's ending. (Laughs) When I started singing, I felt so hapy. But then there were some parts that we went a little too fast for the "Over The Sea To Skye". Somehow, we were aware of it and everything went fine. When the opening of "A New Day" started, I felt so energised. Must thank the pianist. She had the biggest credit. When I was about to sing the chorus, my heart was beating faster as usual. I felt so excited back then. I can never forget that feeling. The choir surprised the audience with actions. Well done, choir!

I am happy that he talked to me yesterday. Smiles and talkings came back again and these are all I ask for. Maybe you see me concerning you as "still have feelings" for you but no, I am treating you as a friend now.

I am sure that you can see, I am not around you that often and I am making an effort to keep my distance from you as much as I can. I am drawing the "line". So, is this the sincerity you want to feel or see?

Crying Heart

2010-04-11T09:05:00.001+08:00

Hatiku menangis.

Confused

2010-04-11T08:58:00.002+08:00

To have sincerity is not to have sincerity.
To become friends is not to become friends.
To dislike is to like.

Normally people show how much sincerity they have to be friends but for me, it's different. I don't understand his thoughts.

M.P

2010-04-03T21:53:00.003+08:00

To: M.P

Recently, I have been playing the "cling on" game again. (Laughs at myself) He already rejected me and I still keep pestering him. I am becoming like a leech. Am I desperate? I look so stupid. Why can't I get over it?

I am so sorry that you have to put up with me. You rejected me and I still don't want to let go. It feels like I want to let go but I also have contradicting thoughts at the same time. Maybe I should control myself more eh? It feels like if I take a step towards you, you will move a step back away from me. Seriously, I don't want to lose you. I am so scared I would lose you, even as a friend. (runs hand through my hair ) (Sigh)

Can you tell me what to do?

Happy Ending for them, how about me?

2010-04-03T15:57:00.004+08:00

Watched Shugo Chara's last episode. I saw Tadase kiss Amu on the cheek! (Screams) I can't believe it! I feel so happy for Amu! Awesome! But then, it is shorter than the old ones. I can't believe that is all. It feels too short. I can't get enough of that couple.

Went to Tampines to watch "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" yesterday with Eden, Sylvia, Ember, Vajra and Michael. Had loads of fun. We ate and shopped. Tampines Mall is engulfed with the smell of fried food. Urgh. I don't feel that the movie is good cos there isn't subtitles and I seriously don't find it funny. It's a bunch of lame kids. No offence. The ticket cost me ten bucks. (Sigh)

Went out and pray. Lunched and went to Century Square to buy my costume. (Watching imaginery money notes flying away) Today is sure hot. I had my hair tied up and I was sweating continuosly.

ps: My love life is a wretched one. Hate it.

Unchanged

2010-03-29T20:16:00.002+08:00

"Say that you like me or else." I put a knife against that unlucky boy's neck who I have a liking for. I feel like doing that. But I know it's impossbile to force people to like me. By doing so it'll only push them further from me. I am only fantasizing about that threatening thingy. I don't want ransom and hostages.

Everything is as usual today. So there's nothing to talk about. Tomorrow's there is no school as it is E Learning Day. However, there is still choir practice. Ember pierced her ear and surprisingly she don't find it painful. Good for her lah. Went to Eden's house today and kept hearing her curses for Photoshop and talking to herself. XD

Tough Year

2010-03-26T21:58:00.002+08:00

Today, is just weird. Initially, I was trying to look more happy by smiling in class. I felt so stupid for smiling without a reason. I tried, but smiling doesn't work, Eden and Ember. JUST WHAT THE HELL THEY WANT ME TO DO?! HUH? YOU GUYS IN MY CLASS TELL ME LAH! WHAT DID I DO THAT MADE ALL OF YOU EXCLUDE ME? Yes, I am shouting like some shrew.

I can't take it for long. I finally got the taste of it. I am so sorry that Eden and Company had to go through this through me the other time. I'm probably having some sleeping disorder again cos I actually felt so sleepy during History lesson, which was only the second period of the day. Or maybe I am not having enough sleep. Hate it when I have to struggle. It drains you of everything. Whether mentally or physically. I need to struggle for other things too. (Hands covering face)

One more poem.

2010-03-26T21:53:00.003+08:00

Breeze

The breeze brushed against my skin
I can't resist to start humming a song
Slowly, I closed my eyes and
Whispered " May happiness always be with you two"
Silently asking the gentle moving air to take my blessing with it
And to them.

More Poems.

2010-03-26T21:49:00.002+08:00

But Why?

"I don't need them to include me" I said to myself.
But why am I still crying?
"I don't need him" I said to myself.
But why am I still crying?
"I'll just hug my bolster" I said to myself.

Because I don't like being excluded,
Because I can't force myself to stop liking him and
Because I know that the bolster will never return my hug.

Poem Time

2010-03-26T21:39:00.002+08:00

Wrote poems again for the past few days.

Beyond the Canvas

Walking down the corridor
of an art gallery alone, looking at the paintings
which were hung on the wall
I stopped in my tracks as I was looking
at a painting named "Have Friends".
A painting full of people.
Everyone has someone to talk to
I gazed at it, hoping that I could actually enter the picture
No matter how I try,
My hand could not pass through the canvas
Couldn't break free from solitude,
My tears fell instinctively.

Choir Camp (Vomits blood)

2010-03-26T21:20:00.002+08:00

On the 19 of March, I had choir camp. (Rolls eyes) A half day one. We only managed to play icebreakers, followed by a two hour music theory. (Shows the whites of the eyes) Before the camp, I was sitting in front of the computer, racking my brains for games. I was so scared that we would run out of games but no, we only played Wacko and Handy Plus. (Sulking)

A set of instructions had to be constantly repeated to get everything working. Especially the boys. Even using the mic was not enough. (Hand hits the forehead) When that three teachers (Miss Yvonne, Miss Cassandra & Miss Amanda) came into the music room, I lost my interest in learning. We were supposed to learn a song titled "Fire" but they occupied the two hours with music theory. Further more, it was just the basics. BASICS! (Spits out blood)

Before the camp started, I saw no one when I reached the school. Jenice came, still sick and Michael forgots to bring everyone's tea. (Sighs) He went all the way back to his house just to get them. (Shakes head while smiling)

Unrequited

2010-03-14T21:07:00.003+08:00

Today's horoscope says that I always have a liking for the wrong opposites. Yes, it's true. The "wrong" refers to them liking someone. It's always the wrong time. Sigh. It's ok anyway, I think.

Tomorrow will be the holiday and I will try to finish as much homework as I can... Planning to go to the library to borrow a couple of books. Finally, I've found back my interest for reading. The types that I like reading will be romance. Whether tragic or a happy ending, it's fine with me. I feel empty and I don't know why or maybe I know. (messes up the hair ) Haiya, I don't know how to say lah... I like him but he has a crush now.

Wrote a poem about him and his crush. If Solid doesn't like it, so be it.

Inevitable Truth

Images of him talking to her appear everytime I close my eyes
My heart repeatedly asked "Why?"
I could close my eyes to things I don't want to see
However I could forsee what would happen in front of me
Thus unfolding another misery

Painting

Everytime I see them together
My smile surfaced and my heart sank
"A pretty picture", I thought
Seeing him happy my happiness was forth brought

The poems contradict each other because I have these contradicting feelings. I write what I feel lah. Good luck to him anyway...

Broken

2010-03-06T17:20:00.002+08:00

Long time no post cos I'm tired and busy. Today, I started breaking down during Clement's tution and in front of him. Probably because of the recent English Common Test and Principle of Account test which I failed and the number of mistakes I made in a Sec 3 Comprehension book. I feel that I am still unable to answer the questions no matter how much I tried. It's just no use. So, these two reasons acted as my limit. I can't hold it in anymore. The tears just rolled down, I got up and wiped them away, when I sat down, I put my head on the table and cried hard.

I had not been crying for quite a long time, I realised. The frustrations and sadness just build up, at most I let a few tears out and I stopped. I held it inside. Today, I can't take it anymore. Yesterday was the Parent Techer Conference and I looked at my overall scores for all subject. I found I was just passing them. They bothered me. Furthermore, I am currently having some friendship and classmates problems and I found out that he has a crush on a girl. Everytime I disappointed myself by not managing my time. I could tell myself I will stop gaming for a certain time, but I will eventually exceed the time. I will tell myself to give quality work but I did not. I keep asking my why I keep breaking my own promises...

Maybe I will tell you how I feel. I hope you don't get offended. As you people are not my mind readers, I will tell you why I choose to ignore the two of you in school, on Friday.
If you want to keep talking about car plate numbers and Reborn, I will choose not to try so hard to join the conversation and go home straight away. Like I said, I don't like being left out when I go over to your side. I hinted about this once in one of my posts. I am sorry if that hurt you. I hope you understand how I feel.

Loving Silently

2010-02-21T10:18:00.002+08:00

最大的距离不是天涯海角,
而是是你不知道我喜欢你的时候
我不会对你表白
我会一直等,等到你发现为止
猜不到也好, 至少如果你对我没感觉,
我们之间还能做朋友

The greatest distance is not at world's ends
but is when you don't know that I have fallen for you
I won't confess to you
I will wait until you've found out yourself
If you can't guess, probably it's still a good thing as if you can't return my feelings
We can still remain as friends.

Sweet Despair

2010-02-18T06:01:00.003+08:00

Why? Why they left me out? I don't understand. I tried to participate as much as I can but I am the only one that has the ball passed to me the least. Do you all only care about winning? What happened to the fun? I am not having fun at all. It's not like I refuse to receive the ball. What is the use of Games Day if a person is in the game and not playing? I feel like I don't belong to any team at all. My team members won't pass it to me except Anisah sometimes. Almost all the time, I was like an invisible person. Think that I only know how to collect money and forms? Had the same treatment last year and I thought this year would be different. I am that naive. MY bad. It was only when I left people started noticing and and said "Bye."

Went to the foyer to wait for Cheryl, Lee Jie and Wayne. We went to Cheryl's house again and re took our video. Met Garfield! On the way to her house, I was told that he was traumatised. Feel sorry for him as we had to use him for our video again. This time, we did not fuss him that much so that we won't scare him. Did our parts for the video and the funniest of them all- Lee Jie's. Shall not elaborate much. Don't want to be a bad guy to laugh about somebody. While we were taking a break and eating, Garfield pestered us indirectly for food as he would sit near you and look at you. Gives you that cute look and your heart softens.

By the way,

A Happy 10th Birthday to Tracy, my ex neighbour!

even though she's not reading this. Gonna think hard about her present. And Xin Ying's. She kept hinting me on giving her presents. " 20th of February is my birthday leh..." XD For me, I won't do that lah. I used to do that when I was more younger. Looking back, I feel quite shameful.

Yesterday, Glendon asked me whether I still have feelings for Shampoo and I said no. I asked him if Shampoo had told him about my decision. So Glendon went to ask him and I know that the wound that I inflicted on him would split open again once that question is asked.

I might not say it but
all I feel is guilt
my mouth would not say it but
my heart is full of apologies when I look at you
I won't hope for forgiveness as I know that
it'll never heal.

2010-02-14T14:49:00.003+08:00

I'm in Malaysia now, blogging. Using my uncle's laptop to do so. Yesterday was fun with firecrackers and fireworks. ^^ What things we could not do in Singapore could be done here. Love the fireworks here, especially when we lit our very own. It was beautiful and LOUD.

Today, even though it is Chinese New Year today, I can't feel any Chinese New Year atmosphere. Don't know what's missing. Even though most of the relatives gathered here, it feels that it is just like any normal family gathering. You eat, drink and talk, you either receive or give angbaos and that's all. I finally met my new cousin. His name is Zi Wei. He's a toddler, he's cute, he knows what people are talking about and his hair is like the cartoon Einstein, standing up. XD

Had spaghetti, chcken chop, mashed potato, some famous salad, almond plus glutinous rice soup dessert, watermelon, carrot cake, cupcake, cheeese cake and dumpling soup. It's a bliss to have a chef, baker and good cookers with you. They will cook up a good spread. I happen to be their relatives.

Decisions

2010-02-12T22:52:00.004+08:00

I don't know whether to say or not. Kinda torn apart. He can be dense for all he like. Perhaps I should keep quiet and just show how much I care for him, rather than telling him straight. By not saying it, we won't be awkward but then I might regret it. It's a one sided kind of thing again. Why when it comes to me, it will always end up this way? I can never get the one whom I like to have the ability to return my feelings.

I am in front of you and yet you don't know that I like you.
We are so close yet so far...

Aspiring

2010-02-12T20:23:00.003+08:00

Had Chinese New Year celebration in school today and the Cultural Group played wonderfully! (applause) Woohoo! There is no CCA held and I am happy because of that. I don't look forward to choir. I even dread CCA days.

No CCAs but there is a project going on. Went to Cheryl's house. My group was paving a path while Cheryl was opening the door. As she expected, her dog, Garfield, dashed out. It kept walking between and around us. It's a male. One boy mentioned some obscene stuff which I don't wish to elaborate. >.<

Ate our lunch and started planning our speech for our project. We did not know how to start the speech so we switched on the TV to look for advertisements to observe how people talk. Sadly, we can't find any. When we wanted advertisements, there aren't any and when you don't need them, they will keep appearing. Haiz... Our project is to advertise a product. Guess what the product is.

Garfield. A product? A product that has life. Cool huh? We ended up trying to make it stay on the dining chairs repeatedly. "Stay Garfield. Stay. Good boy!" ( Cheryl's father appeared ) That dog will straight away shoot out from the chairs. (=.=) Cheryl said that he likes cookies and will do anything to get some. That's cute. If one does not want him to snatch it from your hand, you'll have to say "Slow" and surprisngly, he will take it from your hand gently. (^_^)

I want a dog now... XD

Teachers piss off students too

2010-02-10T20:58:00.006+08:00

I went to school with high hopes that I will get to play badminton but no. Madam Yuslina was sick and so it had to be cancellled. T_T I even brought my own racket and a bottle of shuttlecocks...

I found out that although Mr Dennis Teo, our Maths teacher, had collected all our money for the ten year series assessment book since January, he had not ordered them yet from the bookshop till now. What the heck right? I was told by the shopkeeper that she did not receive any orders from him.

STARS came up with a filming project and my group members' schedule kept clashing and there isn't a single day where everyone is free. Today, all three of them had Additional Mathematics and tomorrow, they will have it again. Friday is when everyone has CCA. So, help me! Arghh...
( in frustration )

I was seen bringing up bread out of the canteen on this week's Tuesday by Mr Benjamin Quek, the head of CCA department and he was suspecting that I will eat it outside the canteen. I kept assuring that I won't give the bread a bite but he refused to believe me. ( I was having imaginary bulging temples already ) Then he added he will check the existence of the bread after my CCA. ( I hate not being trusted. I HATE IT. ) The next day came, which is today. There is P.E and he is teaching rugby. I walked past him and saw him looking at me and he asked if I enjoyed eating the bread outside the canteen. I was boiling already. I told him again that I did not it and I got a " You sure or not? ". I think I was already clenching my fist. I then walked to Mr David and told him all this and he told me " Teachers would appreciate it if you tell them nicely. " I went for another shot and this time, I told him I went to the general office and asked for him but the staff said he was not around. After wasting my saliva and breath and trying to control my temper, he said" Thank you for clarifying. " I wanted to show the middle finger liao lor. Wa lao eh. I really hate being accused, whether people know me or not. I almost started punching the keyboard while typing this.

So pissing right? I really cannot stand it lor. Whether he is joking or not. I want to be defiant towards him if he is joking. Accusing me is enough to make me do so.

Sakurabito

2010-02-07T11:54:00.002+08:00

As joy dances away,
Spring becomes the wings of my tears
They turn to fluttering flower petals,
Only meant for you
As the wind blows, they fly off,
Drifting towards their recipent
Protecting you,
As you live and breathe
Is more important than any sadness or loneliness

We'll meet as the cherry blossoms bloom once again
And when we do,
They'll continue swaying and swirling around forever
I'll protect my memories of how I loved and was loved
My gaze won't falter,
And I'll wish for every day from the bottom of my heart
That you, that you, that you
Will hold me again.

Depression?

2010-02-06T23:58:00.002+08:00

For these few days, I've been feeling tired everyday even though I have enough sleep. I will get angry for trivial things easily. I will have sudden anger outbursts. I can start crying for no reason, I can't concentrate and I tend to isolate myself. I have suicidal thoughts too.

I surfed the net for signs of Depression and I got most of the symptoms there. I don't know lah huh... I cannot confirm it yet. One thing I am sure about is that you two had to put up with my behaviour. Must be hard on you two. I'm sorry for acting weird.

Thanks for not giving up on me. I must have been quite selfish lately. I'm glad to have friends like you.

Tired

2010-02-03T20:12:00.003+08:00

There is one word to describe today- tired. I am so tired~ But then, I still have some energy left to blog. Haha... Not funny. Mr Ng, our Principle of Account teacher, found out that I allowed my classmate to copy my work. I was punished together with the classmate. What was the punishment? Sit outside the class and complete the work lor. Haiz...

I admit that I was pissed but then, I was at fault too. In the lessons before recess, I almost started dozing. Surprisingly, I could fight back the sleepiness. Yay! The struggle to keep awake is so difficult lor. Compared to last year, I became better at keeping awake. Everyday feels as though I don't have enough sleep sia.

Carried out a Biology practical thingy. I suck at cutting 6.0cm by 1.0cm of rectangles from slices of potatoes. It took me so long to cut out one, moreover eight pieces of that rectangles. I was super blur during that practical lor. I did not take my own share of potato slices, I put back the materials required for measuring the slices and I did not put back what was not required. I did the opposites. See lah, blur or not?

Went to the library to do homework while waiting for Ember. Went home and did homework. That's all for today lor.

2010-01-30T21:06:00.001+08:00

"Give me again, all that was left
Give me the sun that shone
Give me the eyes
Give me the soul
Give me the lad that's gone...

All that was good, all that was fair
All that was me is gone..."

Drained

2010-01-29T21:29:00.003+08:00

Today's choir practice was crappy. We were not warmed up properly by Miss Cassandra. Her warm ups did not help in kicking. She either lost count or she forgot where she stopped. I then suggested to use our former one. However, she kept interrupting us. She also kept checking her phone.

Next came Miss Evone. We were then split into two teams- alto was with Miss Cassandra and Sop 1 & 2 went to the AVA room with Miss Evone. She kept telling us what to do and said that the voice we had was airy. What can we do leh? Never warm up properly what~ She taught us " Over The Sea To Skye ". The three parts of choir were switching places to and fro the AVA room and IT Room 3 all the time.

My senior from Sop 2 was delighted that her section finally covered my section with their voices. Before the Sec Ones came in, the Sop 2s had more people than my section and we still managed to cover them with lesser people. What a joke.

Rushed to White Sands' Interchange for dinner and went for Math tution. Today's lesson was easy to understand. Yay! There's Clement's tution and Chinese tution tomorrow... I'm tired. I had homework to do too. (T.T)

Just for awhile more...

Changes

2010-01-26T20:01:00.002+08:00

Went to school with more books and files and I sweat a lot when I reached there. He was fine until Mother Tongue. He was in pain. Because of that, I worried for quite awhile. The new choir conductor came and she came with two assistance. They are Miss Ong, Miss Cassandra and Miss Evone. Miss Evone is the forgetful type, Miss Cassandra lost her voice, Miss Ong was auditioning the Secondary Ones.

The voice that was not warmed up was thought as good by Miss Ong. I wonder is she really that good. By the way, Oscar fainted while singing the National Anthem this morning. Kinda surprised me. Performing for Speech Day, Crescendo and National Day. It's gonna be quite a busy year.

Ruth's going back to Australia... Gonna miss her for two years. Her departure will be on the 31st of January. Wish her a safe journey.

Compared to the previous years, this year has the most changes.

A Temporary Goodbye

2010-01-24T22:28:00.002+08:00

Attended Ruth's farewell party today and the only best part is the sea breeze. There's limited amount of food so did not get to eat much. Ember's father sent the two of us there. We reached there, finding ourselves in a group full of strangers and we kept to ourselves. We sang songs, Ember went there to do her Chinese tution homework and talked.

After finished bbqing, went to Ehub to window shop. Then went back to Ember's house to help her with her homework. Tell you something, she was playing with her guitar throughtout the whole time~

Bused and walked to my Chinese tution centre to get the worksheet that was given today as I pontanked today's tution. Imma bad girl... But then... It was closed at 6.30p.m. Haiz. Went for shower, found my limbs red in colour, probably because I was in the sun for a long period of time. The sunburns still have the burning sensation up till now. Geez.

Hitoribocchi no Sadame

2010-01-23T23:14:00.003+08:00

The coincidental meeting, to keep it precious
You who hold out the shaking hands
Satisfied now? Get out of my sight already
If not, you'll get hurt

Wao! I don't know love, I don't know how to love
The fate of being alone eternally
Wao! Smile and tears are weaklings' actions

With my body as it is, with my heart as it pleased
I'll go live and don't hinder me

You're easy to be understood,
Always being frank
Still, you'll get hurt

Wao! What are you doing here?
There's nothing to do
The road of walking alone anytime
Wao! You really can't be talked to
I really hate the crowding people

Can't you be quiet
I need more secluded place
If I can live, I won't hinder you
I dislike people like you
It make my feeling get out of order a little
Why

Wao! I don't know love, I don't know how to love
The fate of being alone eternally
Wao! Smile and tears are weaklings' actions

With my body as it is with my heart as it pleased
I'll go live and don't hinder me
Don't come close to me more than this

Snapped like a stretched rubberband

2010-01-23T16:39:00.003+08:00

Nothing special recently... Just more frustrations, that's all. Feel like telling him but then what if he rejects me? I don't think we'll stay the same way if I tell him. Gah. I guess I still like him, since Secondary One. That Glendon is annoying me like usual. "Shawn!" will always come out of his mouth for every lesson. I feel like sewing up his mouth. This is one of the biggest mistake I made so far. Stepped into this pit, unable to get out. Shawn. He's the reason I can't have peace nowadays. I can't really blame him though. It's that Glendon. He really know how to piss me off.

It's peculiar when a prefect forgets to bring the required materials to school. Glendon is doing that continuously. What fun~

One more thing. I don't like being left out.

Separation

2010-01-20T21:37:00.002+08:00

Today is like any other normal day for me until someone handed me a piece of paper that looked like an invitation to something. I took it and that girl said that Ruth was migrating back to Australia for two years. I found it hard to believe. I read the invitation thoroughly and I saw her name, followed by " Farewell Party " . I don't understand why she had to go back to Australia back then. I'm disturbed by it, then a miniature flood started. I succeed in not crying when singing the assembly though.

When moving to class, I was like an zombie, giving people that sad look and when reaching my class, I had difficulty breathing like normal because of the grief it caused. Throughout lessons that were before P.E, tears just kept making their way down. During recess, I feel grumpy and threw little tantrums. After that, I felt guilty. I looked around and saw that I was spoiling everyone's mood. Geez...

However, I have no idea why him refusing to relink me back then could cause me more despair than Ruth migrating back. I simply have no idea. I could cry longer than I can today. I apologise if I was nasty to you people. My bad.

Invisible daggers

2010-01-15T16:54:00.002+08:00

School's tiring me out, school's tiring everyone out. Slept at 9 plus everynight and when waking up, it stills feel as if you have not got enough sleep. So tired that you can dream all sorts of weird things and feel more tired when you have to wake up. One subject, one piece of homework. Every teacher it's only a little but how about putting his and the other teachers' homework? Still that little?

Today's performance at the CCA Orientation was disappointing. We made no improvement at all. During the whole process of our singing, the hall was not quiet at all. We were not worthy to be listened to. I thought that smiling during a performance is the basic but only half the choir did it. I love singing but I don't know how to sing well. No matter how tired I am, I will crack into a smile when I am singing the songs. Does that mean that the other half of the choir does not enjoy singing at all? I was wishing hard to please Miss Chan for the entire performance. There's one particular person pointing out why choir is looked down by the school and guess what? That person herself does not attend choir regularly at all. Although she's a Secondary Four, She's supposed to attend choir regularly. She joined Red Shirt, Prefect and part of the class and the prefect committee. If she can't handle choir well, why bother to join other things? It seems that she isn't able to juggle them well though. Everytime when choir starts, I have to hear what Miss Chan is going through twice. Because of what? The Sec 4s lor. There's a another junior who keeps playing traunt deliberately. How I know she's on purpose? It's because she has the cheek to tell me that. Frustrating. It's frustrating for not being able to move forward.

On the way home, I sang on the bus. I crossed the overhead bridge as usual. I suddenly remembered I have not done Clement's homework and there is a tution the following day. This thought pulls the trigger. I thought of losing my footing on the stairs deliberately and injure myself. Feeling suicidal. Its like saying "I had enough.". Yup, I know that by doing this, I am just trying to escape.

These few days, I've gone quiet in class. I don't participate in discussions. I don't shout at people that often anymore. I don't feel like opening my mouth until necessary. I don't feel any belonging to the current class that I'm in. I don't respond when my teachers ask questions. I became people's stationery and tissue supplier. Sorrow and anger mixed. God knows when will I release all those feelings at one go. Am I going to throw tables and chairs at people? I don't know.

You seemed to be troubled too. Why are you saying that all you can do is regret?

School Starts

2010-01-09T18:28:00.003+08:00

This whole week is just tiring! Everyday, the bag of mine will be awfully heavy. I think I haven't grown any taller. I look so small in my uniform when I look in the mirror of the music room. Once again, I am the secretary of my class! Yay! I will be in the same class for next year too. Met all my teachers and are quite happy with them. For the first Mother Tongue lesson, everybody was required to bring a blue file the next lesson and it happens that I did not bring it. I did not forget but I simply can't produce any blue file at that period. My Mother Tongue teacher did not say which type of file too. Well, I could say this is part of my fault too as I did not ask her. As I thought I am needed to buy a ring file and at the same time, the bookshop did not have the stock of it yet, I did not buy.

The very next day, I told her I did not bring. She said that even though there's no Mother Tongue the for the following day, I am still required to bring it and show it to her during homeroom period. Isn't she troublesome? On Thursday, there was History and those people in my class taking it and myself were wondering which class to go to. When we reached to the class, it was full. FULL. DEFINITION OF FULL: NO SEATS AND TABLES LEFT. To make it worse, there was only one teacher. The other was on MC.

For Thursday and Friday, there was auditioning for the Secondary One for choir. Helped with it. The Express classes were ok, but talking about the Normal Academy and Normal Technical, it just gives me a headache. I wonder how the assigned teachers feel about them. How can they not vomit blood?! While there was time, we managed to practise for the Secondary One Orientation. Singing the new song, "Take These Wings"!

For Friday, went to tution straight away from school. I greeted my classmate but she ignored me. Ever since after I gave her a cupcake and a tube of FruitPlus, she never spoke to me. I just don't understand. Did the cupcake gave her a diarrhoea or what? Or is she taught not to accept gifts? Did she kenna whacked by her parents for accepting my gifts?
Geez... I don't understand her behaviour at all.

So far, everything is going smoothly. Bye.

Another year passed

2010-01-02T12:06:00.002+08:00

A brand new year starts... School is reopening. Yes, reopening. Went to a shop yesterday and what it sells make my eyes wider than usual. They are baking equipment. Fondant of several flavours, shape cutters, baking tins, whipping cream, cupcake cases and more!

On the 31st December, went to City Hall to watch the fireworks. Just seeing the number of people inside the underground passage, you can roughly know how long it took to get out of it. There's people sitting on the grass and people sitting on the stairs of the memorial thingy. Listened to songs and played games on my phone for one and a half hour. I got bored and found that watching traffic police was fun. There were countless number of people crossing over from the opposite side. The people from the opposite wore hats, carrying balloons and headbands. Wonder there's anything held there. I saw Bernice! She looked like she was having fun alright! =) That's good to know.

When it was a few seconds from midnight, we heard people cheering and we stood up and turned around. Nothing happened. Then, the fireworks started. From where we were sitting, the fireworks were behind us. It lasted for 10 minutes, I think. Beautiful.

Can't fix what's not broken?

2009-12-28T21:37:00.002+08:00

You asked me how to formulate a solution with no problem. You made me sad and that is the problem. You made me heartbroken over and over again. This is the problem. Basically, the solution of these problems is easy. Since you are the one who's been making me upset, you should stop contacting me. This is the best solution. I don't know if there would be a next time about you asking me if I am doing well and tell me that you had a different set of reasons that everything ended this way.

I have no idea how you could destroy all my efforts about forgetting you with just a couple of smses. I don't know how many times I gave in to restart all over again. I don't want to revive another heartache.

Self Worth?

2009-12-28T20:51:00.003+08:00

Tell me what is self worth. I liked you for who you are. So what if you're not good at Math? I don't give a damn if your grades are poor. Tell me what you are going to do to discover your self worth? What is wrong liking someone while finding your self worth. Didn't you tell me I am so negative? Weren't you the one? You yourself is starting to have a negative mindset. If you think you are not worthy of yourself, you are really then not worthy. Being modest is understandable but telling me you are not worthy is showing that you're not confident. Perhaps this is not what you think but it seems so to me.

Did you lie to me that you fell for another girl just because you are not worthy of me? Is it just to make me give up? Are there any more reasons that our relationship ended?

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T16:42:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, had Eden coming over to bake cupcakes. I did baked a lot but somehow, when it's time for the bbq, the number of it reduced. I gave a few to Eden, Eden and I ate one each. That's all. I left some at home and only brought 9 to the bbq. Sadly, the cupcakes were not that well received. The egg was not well beaten. Yosh! I will do better the next time. I will get a can of whip cream to go with the cupcakes the next time! I will do a batch of nice ones.

Had 30 over children yesterday. Had a fun time much later during the bbq. Met a boy who's a Secondary One this year~ The "ice" broke when we all played icee and water. We had gift exchange held. Everyone brought gifts then they were numbered. Then they wrote the numbers on the scraps of paper, crush them and put them into a bowl, like a lucky draw. It was fun. That sis of mine gave them my presents without informing me and in the end, the adults were puzzled as there were extra presents. Geez...

On the way to the venue, I had to push the trolley and some areas had the holes thingy. I got so fed up with the trolley, which was not moving, I yanked that trolley to another side. One of my gifts dropped. My mother kept saying that I was angry. I became more pissed off. Haven't start the bbq already spoil my mood liao. Haiz... Somehow, I managed not to unleash the fiery side of me. XD " Don't make everyone feel awkward, must endure. If I throw my temper, things will get ugly. " I wanted to help, but couldn't find anything to do. Then, two pieces of aluminium foil landed on the ground. I picked them up to give it to the nearest auntie. I did not get a " thanks ". What a well mannered person, isn't she?

Met Vivien, her sister and her brother. I made friend with her sister. She's nice enough, for a kid like her. Despite being little, she already has a phone! I ate my dinner with her. She's quiet while eating her meal and I appreciate that very much. Ate two helpings of fried rice, some of my Kak's curry, two cubes of kueh, several sticks of sausages, satays and one stick of prawn, drank wine, Jolly Shandy and ate a piece of the log cake they brought. A lot eh? All that in one night.

Talking about Kak, I seriously don't have any idea what's her (censored) problem. She was showing her "wonderful" attitude. Before I started baking, I thought about the space I would occupy and I seriously don't think that I would disturb her cooking. She was not in the kitchen during the whole baking process. When the cupcakes were in the oven, I knocked the door and told her that she could do the cooking. Who knows that she went back into her room deliberately when I went to washed those baking equipment in the sink. she washed everything that was required and I swear that cooking that pot of curry does not require the sink that much to the extend that she had to stop everything. I stuck my tongue out when her back was facing me. Sheesh...

Hit the bed at 11p.m plus. Must have slept like a log cos I received a couple of sms at midnight and I did not hear the message ring tone. Still feel so sleepy now, even though I woke up at 10a.m. Probably I slept too much. Want to rest now and bye.

Have a merry Christmas and a happy new year, everyone!

Days without Ember

2009-12-22T20:35:00.004+08:00

Went to Suntec City, again. This time, it was with Eden! We managed to meet up without alighting at Simei for the next train. Without Ember's blabbering, it became quiet. " Can't live... If living is without you.. I can't live, I can't live anymore. " XD We two missed her. We were talking about her and guessed how would she react if her fats couldn't keep her warm. Seems that some parts of us went to Korea with her too. It's not normal without her.

We went passed Marvelous Cream again and this time, we went into the shop and bought their ice cream. Eden got bananas in her chocolate ice cream while I got chocolate chips. Yummy! We've got waffle cups to go with the ice cream. Went into a craft store and I'm very keen about making my very own scrapbook. Wanna keep my memories properly. We went to the very top floor and asked about the poster again. Still not available. Dammit. A wasted trip because we went all the way up to ask about it. For the rest of the day, we had fun. As we were making our way out of Suntec, Eden just remembered Suntec's Toy R Us has... T.. Ta... Tadase figurine.

Went to Plaza Singapura. Went to Otaku House and the shops beside it. Still no sign of Tadase. Geez... He's hard to find. The poster man don't sell Shugo Chara poster. I ish sad, you know? That's one of the many sentences Ember would say if she can't see her eye candies. Went to Daiso, where everything is $2! Bought a bottle of melon soda and Eden bought a different one. Can't remember what was it. Went down to KUHL to buy a 2010 calendar. It was priced $9.90. Just nice leh. Eat up the rest of my money. I was left with $10 before paying for it. Started making our way home as it was already 5 plus.

Hopped into the MRT, started talking about things like, where we want to stay, jobs, sharing views on the goverment, who would cook for Eden in the future and how french fries dipped in ice cream or ice lemon tea taste like and which tea one should not drink.

The end.

Ta... Tadase....

2009-12-21T20:38:00.001+08:00

Who Is Your Shugo Sweetheart?
Hosted By theOtaku.com: Anime

Ahh... Tadase.... This is not a girl. This is a boy. I love him to bits. ( sighs dreamily )

My Thoughts

2009-12-19T15:56:00.002+08:00

I am one of the ones who loves happy endings. Went to read Tadase and Amu fanfics and everytime the fan fiction ends, I smiled. Although it's not real. I don't care whether it's real or not. At least I know they don't exist. In one of the fan fictions, Amu died in the end. Tragic. I felt sad for Tadase, who was alive and misunderstood her. She was buried under a tree, which had a treehouse. The treehouse was where they spent most of the time together. Really sad.

Recently, I've been taking driving lessons. In my dreams. I kept dreaming about me driving vehicles and I fell out of them. It's scary. It doesn't seem like a complete nightmare.

After watching "The Cruel Temptation", I changed my mind about marriage. It is really a grave. Because of property and inheritance, people can kill one another.

Fun Day Part two

2009-12-19T15:39:00.002+08:00

Went back to Tampines, received a brochure. I saw that Citigems is having a promotion for Christmas. I saw that a clover shaped pendant priced $5. FIVE DOLLARS only leh! Cheap or what?! I was thinking that maybe it is a gimmick. I started searching for that shop. I reached the shop but felt uncertain. What if I need to buy something else in order to have that pendant for $5? What if I made a fool out of myself? After all it is a jewellery shop, one of the kinds that I rarely buy jewelleries from.

I still went in and pointed at the brochure which has the pendant printed on it, I asked " Really for $5 arh? " " Yes. " While one of the staff was taking a new pendant for me, I kept saying " I cannot believe it . " After buying it, went to Ayies to buy the chain. I can't find suitable black ones, I bought a light green one. Went to a shop and bought a rubber band which has a black ribbon on it. I like black now for some reasons which I refuse to tell. I don't think anyone wants to know anyway. Why bother? Right? ( Sasuke stabbing himself, saying " I'm not emo! " ) Eden and Ember should know what I am talking about in the bracket. =)

That's all for that Thursday.

Fun Day Part one

2009-12-18T11:32:00.002+08:00

Yesterday went to Suntec City, Plaza Singapura and Takashimaya with Eden and Ember. We had so much fun! (^_^) Ember told me that Eden and herself would wait at Tampines MRT station at 1.30p.m, but they were way earlier so I have no idea how they know I was on the way to there at 1.15p.m. Amazing... 8D I called them and asked where were they when I reached the station and they said they were at the platform already. I went up, and sill I cannot see them. I called again and just nice the train came and thought that they've already boarded the train so I boarded the train. Who knows that they were still waiting at the platform. (=.=)" So I alighted at Simei and boarded the next one. Can't find them as usual, Eden offered to look for me.

I did not know that the distance to Suntec City is so long. We had to take so many escalators leh. Went pass Marvelous Cream, a Japanese ice cream store. The cheapest one is $5.80. People buying it are rich people leh~ Went pass lots of posh looking shops ( still haven't reach leh ) Eden and Ember are talking about anime characters as usual.

Eden: " Hibari is mine. "
Ember and Eden : " You want Tsuna? You can have him "
Eden: " If you buy her a baseball and a baseball bat, she will be very happy liao "
Me: " Why leh? "
Me: " Because of which character? "
Eden: " You guess lah. "
Me: " Yamamoto arh? " ( Ember screams while holding my hand )
Me: " By the way, I watched Reborn until the fifth episode. "
( Eden screams while holding my hand ) XD

We reached a movable shop and I saw lots of posters... Eden and Ember were screaming away when they saw Reborn posters. The people around them looked at them like psychopaths. ( whistles and looks away ) I was thinking of giving a poster of a celebrity that my another best friend likes. I am sure she will love it. But then it was not available so I had to wait for it to be ready, lastest by Monday so on that day, Eden and I will be going shopping again! Yay! Went to the Puzzle World next. I want to fix some puzzle and frame it but all the puzzles there are spensive, you know?! Geez... Ember bought lemonade from Auntie Anne's then off we went to Carrefour for... Sushi! We went there to buy mochi instead. =D They are delicious. $2 per mochi is worth it! Beside the shop that we bought mochi and other snacks from, it's the Yami Yoghurt. Bought Black Forest and Hazel Nut flavour for $3.80. Shared it with Eden.

Ember wanted to take a look in Mini Toons. Quickly gobbled up the yoghurt then went in. Finally went to Plaza Singapura. The escalators in the MRT there are so troublesome and confusing! It's only after a few times we can meet Eden cos she went before Ember and I. So heng... The first thing we did there was to visit Otaku ( I'm sorry if I spelt it wrongly ) House and I saw Tadase's staff! OMG! But then, I don't want to spend money on it. I don't want his belongings. Ok, I not only want his belongings, I want him! It does not mean anything if I bought his staff. I want a poster of him! Ahahahahaha....

Some people may think that fantasizing about all these is just so unrealistic. Yes, I know they don't really exist at all but then... They are so much better than real humans! I don't really know how to explain lah huh. Seeing that Tadase is happy with Amu, it makes me smile. I don't feel jealous at all. I grinned ear to ear when he said " I love you, Amu. " I love scenes when Tadase and Amu are together. Ember likes Ikuto and hates Amu for being liked by Ikuto.

Walked all the way to Takashimaya. Ember was complaining already. Eden craved for plain water out of the blue. Haha. After seeing my beloved toys, the Sylvanian Family, we trudged to the basement to buy Eden's mineral water. We saw that a particular one cost $0.50 but when we went to the cashier, it became $1.30.

We went to find seats next. Eden and I were teasing Ember. XP It happens to be the day when everybody is occupying all the seats in the mall. What luck. Made our way to Ochard MRT and plopped our ass there. Then Ember took out her calculator and Eden took out a list. Written on it were random words, numbered accordingly. Ember chose the numbers on her calculator and the number we saw will be referred to the list. Turns that the results were a string of horny words. They laughed hard for several words though. =)

Everyone will forget something

2009-12-15T11:24:00.002+08:00

Had not blogged for days huh? Obviously there's nothing to blog about cos it's the holidays. I can't wait for school to start! I have enough of holidays! Me want go to school! Last Saturday, Clement did not turn up for tution and I stood at my gate like a moron for 15 minutes. When it was 2p.m, I called him.

" Where are you? "
" Oh shit! I forgot today is Saturday! "

Give him a round of applause. Last lesson he forgot to tell me that he will be having a camp.

When things turn better

2009-12-06T17:17:00.003+08:00

Woken up by my Kak's handphone alarm. It starts every 1 minute. By the time the ringtone is played for the third time, I went down my bed and off it. Geez... I turned on the light and look at the clock- 3.45 a.m. Good gracious... Kak went to the toilet. I sat on my bed and fiddled with my teddy bear. She came back and obviously asked me why I woke up. Told her about her alarm. She said she turned off the alarm. I am too lazy to tell the whole thing. Urgh.

After that, it took me quite awhile to sleep again. Had Chinese tution today and one of my friend came back for lesson. Yay! Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel... Shall come to thee O Israel. Haha... Cos there were times when Shu Qi and I attend the lessons alone. So lonely....

"Mr President, Hu (who ) is the new leader of China. "
"Whaddya asking me for?" >.< XD I can laugh about this for days.

Wrote argumentative essay yesterday and it's about books and computers. What books can give while computers can't and vice versa. I wrote " Books are virus free. " XD Silly me.

Hu is the president of China

2009-12-05T22:04:00.003+08:00

Secretary: Mr President, Condoleeza Rice is here to see you.
Bush: Good, send her in.
Seceretary: Yes sir.
Condoleeza:Good morning, Mr President.
Bush: Oh Condoleeza, nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleeza: Well, Mr Preisident, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
Bush: Great Condi, lay it on me.
Condoleeza: Mr President, Hu (who) is the new leader of China.
Bush: Well, that's what I want to know.
Condoleeza: But that's what I'm telling you, Mr President.
Bush: Well, that's what I'm askng you, Condi. Who ( Hu ) is the new leader of China?
Condoleeza: Yes.
Bush: I mean the fellow's name.
Condoleeza: Hu.
Bush: The guy in China.
Condoleeza: Hu.
Bush:The new leader of China.
Condoleeza: Hu.
Bush: The China man.
Condoleeza: Hu is leading China, Mr President.
Bush: Whaddya asking me for?
Condoleeza: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
Bush: Well, I'm asking you, Condi. Who is leading China?
Condoleeza: That's the man's name.
Bush: That's whose name?
Condoleeza: Yes.
Bush: Will you or will you not tell the name of the new leader in China?
Condoleeza: Yes sir.
Bush: Yassir? Yassir Arafat in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condoleeza: That's correct.
Bush: Then who is in China?
Condoleeza: Yes sir.
Bush: Yassir is in China?
Condoleeza: No sir.
Bush: Then who is?
Condoleeza: Yes sir.
Bush: Yassir?
Condoleeza: No sir.
( crumples paper )
Bush: Condi, you're starting to piss me off now, and it's not cause you're black neither.
I need to know the name of the new leader of China. So why don't you get me the Secretary General of the United Nations on the phone?
Condoleeza: Kofi ( coffee ) Annan?
Bush: No thanks. And Condi, call me George. Stop with that crap.
Condoleeza: You want Kofi?
Bush: No.
Condoleeza: You don't want Kofi?
Bush: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condoleeza: Yes sir.
Bush: Not Yassir! The guy at the United Nations.
Condoleeza: Kofi?
Bush: MILK! Will you please make that call?
Condoleeza: And call who?
Bush: Well, who is the guy at the U.N?
Condoleeza: No, Hu is the guy in China.
Bush: Will you stay out of China?!
Condoleeza: Yes sir.
Bush: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N!
Condoleeza: Kofi?
Bush: All RIGHT! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
Condoleeza: Hello, Rice here.
Bush: Rice? Good idea. And get a couple of egg rolls too, Condi. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.

Clement's tution

2009-12-05T21:31:00.002+08:00

Had Clement's tution today, as usual. His tution are always fun but then when it comes to his homework, it can wipe off the smile off my face sometimes. I somehow always do his work on every Thursday, since the due date is on the Saturday.

" Did I teach you how to write argumentative essays? "
"Got."
"Really arh?"
"Got lah."
"Then show me how."
(The sound of toilet bowl flushing)
Laughs*

That's his message ring tone. When I first heard it, I thought it is just water flowing.
(shakes head with a smile)
Aye ye ye...

Tell me who is the president of China?
Hu (who ) is the president of China.
Ya lar! Tell me who lah?!
I am telling you Hu (who ) is the president of China.

Perhaps this joke of his won't receive a good response on the blog but nevermind.

Boring Day

2009-12-04T16:12:00.002+08:00

Hah. That Aunty Helen of Tampines's Just Education. So, she decided to open a class for Elementary Math eh? Just when I was about to quit. Five others quitting too and each student is about $100. Six of us quitting.. Hmm... That's a loss of $600. That's bad for her. I am feeling so triumphant. Before quitting she says can't but now... Heh heh heh. I like that feeling. I am so evil... (smirks)

Woke up at 7a.m plus. Ate my breakfast then read a book. I read until my sister woke up and I started playing my g.b.a. There's nothing much to blog about leh... By the way,

A very happy 14th birthday to Tan Jin Yang!
Another year closer to... ( looks away with a smug )

Must get ready for the Maths tution liao. Bye.